Rowing my boat fiercely up the stream

I am old (er).

It's hard to believe, to be honest with you. I fell right into that category of people who thought it would never happen to them. You always think that you are an exception growing up. It turns out, those who knew they weren't, were.

What made the rest of us think that we were never going to grow up?
Was it some universal consciousness that flowed through all of us with false hope and vain imaginations?
Was it our Mother's and Father's incredible lack of parenting skills that failed to clarify that Peter Pan was just a little bisexual boy in tights from a land that doesn't exist, and that normal people DO age?

Was it Toys R Us?

Here I am, at twenty-five years, making a living by sitting in front of a harsh, glowing screen, pushing buttons in a specific order like a trained chimpanzee, melting numerical figures into tangible contract language and thinking of ways I can turn that language into money for a company that already gives loans to God, so that at the end of the day when I am short-tempered and mentally exhausted, I can drive home through a sea of traffic knowing that I made far less in 8 hours than I could have in two, dancing on a pole downtown for screaming bachelorettes or curious men.

I was supposed to be Indiana Jones by now.

When I was younger, I vowed that I would travel the world with nothing more than my trusty wit, whip and revolver, clad in a kickass fedora and an A-2 leather flight jacket. I would search for lost artifacts and rare treasures, killing Nazi whores after making sweet love to them, running from boulders, running from Nazis, killing Nazis, finding the Holy Grail AND the Ark of the Covenant, escape a Nazi fortress with my dad, and carve some mountain outback in an emergency raft with my Asian sidekick whom I would lovingly refer to as Short Round

I never got to kill a Nazi.

I have been to Germany but…they seem to take offense when you say "Yes, hello, I am from America and I am here to kill some fascists. Might you know the whereabouts of any?"

I should have at least had an Asian sidekick by now. Even Chris tucker has an Asian sidekick.
Or does Jackie Chan have an African American sidekick?

[This is becoming dangerously Caucasian]

...and a still small voice inside suddenly becomes quite loud...

"Welcome to the real world Sean"

You ever want to bitchslap those small voices in your head? I do, on a regular basis. People won’t think you're insane if you can keep the voices in check. In fact, it’s really only when you listen to them and take their advice that the problems begin. It's ok to talk to strangers, just don't put their candy in your mouth. Unless it's jolly ranchers, circus peanuts or snickers. But strangers rarely have good candy, based on my experiences.

"Dude, I'm not getting into your van, alright? For one, my mom does not have any friends and for two, that is a box of good and plenty ok? Get some better shit if you wanna pick up kids. Geesh. Duh."

I am thankful that I never lowered my expectations but a little truth couldn't have hut that much, could it? Instead of being told I can be anything I want to be if I put my mind to it, it would have been nice to hear:

"You will grow up and be sharply disappointed with the way society operates. You will work for other people most of your life. You will eventually trade your taste for candy and sweet joyous rapture into a desire for broccoli and regular bowel movements. Kool-Aid and chocolate milk will miraculously turn into Coffee and dirty gin martinis. You will give yourself a bedtime and you will look forward to sleeping so much it borders hibernation. Cartoons and video games will become politics and stock options [no real change there], bullies will become bosses, faith will become fiction, and kooties will turn into a red rash that burns whenever you urinate."

We were lied to.

We were lied to by people who were lied to themselves. They were hurt, they were betrayed, they were bitter and they were desperate for anything else but what their own parents gave to them. So they created a fantasy world of material pursuits and dead-end aspirations for us to follow.

I don't blame my parents but I won’t let them be victims either. I'm not a victim. I refuse to be.
Becoming older, while inevitable, is a responsibility, if to no one else, than at least to ourselves. We don't have to buy the lie any longer. We can create whole new ones and never be held accountable! Which is why I plan on wearing khaki pants and a fedora into IKEA this afternoon with a bullwhip in hand and a young Hmong boy I kidnapped from Panda Express at my side.

Swiss, German, Nazi. They're all the same. [ouch]

(America, fuck yeah!)

Side note: Indiana Jones would have rocked ten times more if he had an Asian wookie for a sidekick…or at least a laser-whip.