pouf

While shopping for toiletries recently at my local, friendly, neighborhood Safeway Grocery Store, I decided to purchase a new bath pouf; the infamous scrunchy, mesh sponge that has drawn the attention of women, gay men and curious perverts [such as myself] within the last ten years.

I admit, when I first heard that they were called 'bath poufs' I contemplated cutting off my wiener in shame and setting myself on fire. But as the metrosexual movement infiltrated society, I became more comfortable with the idea of rubbing a 'pouf' on my naked body.

Sometimes, I pretend it's a cheese 'pouf' and say "mmmmm" while I'm gently scrubbing and exfoliating my skin. Other times I pretend I'm Houdini and tuck myself between my legs and say "Pouf!" and then - well, ahem, I digress.

As I was saying, I gathered up my short shopping list of items and impulsively decided that I needed a new pouf. One would think that such a contraption, because it is a contraption by the way, would be situated near or within the proximity of bath and shower items such as soap, lotions, razors, inflatable dolls, and shampoos.

A normal person, the average consumer, with a run-of-the-mill IQ and the ability to think cognitively, would most likely deduce that upon entering a retail grocery store, where items are generally organized in similar groups, a bath pouf is going to be placed amongst 'bath' items - that is - you would not search amongst the pickles for a pouf. You would not ask the friendly florist for a a fresh pouf. And you would certainly never approach the meat department and ask for a pouf from the butcher. These types of actions would only provide you with pickled poufs, confused looks, and/or death by butcher knife.

Apparently, Safeway does not believe the average consumer is just average.

Safeway, at least, the Safeway located 3 blocks away from my residence, believes their shoppers are psychic detectives living vicariosuly in the shadow of Indiana Jones, with a sharp bloodlust for endless searches. Either that or they have hired the most exquisite marketing team the world has ever known to strategically place their poufs in the most mind-numbingly difficult to find location possible.

I scrambled from aisle to aisle, searching high and low for the elusive pouf and just as I was about to give up [because no man should ask for help finding his pouf] I saw in the distance, on the far side of the shopping lane, barely within view, a small tuft of meshed plastic, dangling like hope from a side-cap metal frame.

I practically sprinted to my goal and when I arrived, I stopped dead in my tracks and stared long and hard at the most absurdly wonderful product placement in the known universe....







I suppose it could make sense. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I have been showering, giving myself a little taint-exfoliation action, "mmmmmmm" and all of a sudden I'm like, "holy shit, I could really go for a nice, long bout of protected sexual intercourse right now...and maybe a mouthful of Mayo! I need to go to the store!"

Fucking Safeway.

Amazing.


Post Script: Anyone ever try the 'Twisters'?




Post Script Script: Anyone ever try the Mayo?